Backlogs

May be this is a correction to my last note where I was really hopeful of having brought a logical end to all the dangling and unattended past phases of my life.. I was having this impression that having retrospected through all of them I am now out of the jinx; really a free and peaceful soul now.

.. certain backlogs were still unnoticed, unattended.

You all must be really pissed off reading this piece of abstract shit I am talking about but from my inside I am not yet entirely peaceful.. dark patches are still there.. People in IT or CS will understand if I call them 'BAD SECTORS'.. Last week kept me thinking over and over and I realized that holistically I am still lost in a labyrinth which is invisible and unperceived most of the times yet unavoidable in its presence. Bad sectors are there in my mind that makes me go crazy and out of mind sometimes; I sulk over things around and desperately want everything around me to change. That's the moment I fail to realize that apart from things around another thing needs a conditioning;....... myself.

So, its not the people I have been with in my past, or the people who are with me; active and thoughtful in my life now; 'bad sectors' are within me which I could not yet totally eradicate out of me. I have been doing whole new things in my life over the last two years trying to regain, rather rejuvenate the lost person I was. I have traveled a lot; I cultivated life afresh; I have seen new places with new faces and new beliefs; I have tried to understand new ideas, new people - all I did was to try and understand the bigger version of life. Not any people I know is aware of all the interactions I had over the last two years. But, I still need to work hard on myself to cleanse myself up... Today I realized that whatever I cultured over the last two years helped me see farther into life; made me able to look more deeply into future and with greater clarity; in other words enhanced my depth of vision ... but, the journey I need to make to reach where I can project my vision is yet to be accomplished; rather its yet to be started properly.

The aim is not to be a milestone.. For me the biggest achievement in my life would be to be able to live with peace of mind and freedom of thought and action. Yes, that is my aim in life. Everything else are secondary, although mandatory, details.. My self actualization will be the time when I will be able to be source positive energy to people around me and I will be free of the 'backlogs' I mentioned today. That day I will write another 'Retrospection'.

When loneliness can cultivate art this is the milestone to be reached..

A Retrospection

I dont whine anymore when the bus keeps me waiting; I shout no longer when someone bumps on me in the crowd; I dont bother now if people make fun of me for silly things that I do.. Perhaps, I have got a more holistic view of all these secondary details..I still feel good to be a part of this mundane world and happy to be mortal but I have got this belief that happiness is there in the moments, not in a span of lifetime; its the content that matters, not the stretch of the context.

For me, solitude is a bliss now and silence is really really comfortable...I am in a state of peace and freedom; sometimes feeling to be attached to something which I will like to believe as the universal soul; a connection thats eternal and omnium-gatherum...Moments that count in life are moments when we can relate ourselves with that Universal soul which manifests in individual souls and count of those moments rates the life..

People who have ever been a part of my active life - thank you for letting me understand myself better every time, every day.. People who have made me smile - thank you all; you all have helped me connect to that unified soul whenever I smiled.. People whom I have ever succeeded to make happy - thanks for coming in my life and giving me the opportunity to see the world through your happy eyes.. People whom I have rendered serious pain - forgive me but appreciate on the fact that had it not for me you may not have realized your inside so better; the pains I have given may not be my salvation but has always given you an opportunity to believe that you can do better.

Today, when I retrospect the spent times I see the paradox we all have been living in but also realize that it is for those paradoxes that we have known how to re-assess situations and strive to get the outer view of the paradox. Every time we succeed in doing so, we discover something new but something really really true.. Every retrospection reminds me of the raw material I am build of and how those materials have been transformed and manifested to what I am today; may not spectacular but true and transparent..

I don't whine of anything anymore; I no longer worry of making myself the best.. coz 'best' is synonymous to the horizon seeking which can lead to an unending quest.. Rather feeling myself to be a part of the very land I stand upon can always connect me to the horizon... Now I am relaxed; pacified..



Now I can take a deep breath and feel weightless..

...

To see the world in a grain of sand..
.. and heaven in a wild flower;
.. holds infinity in the palm of your hand,
.. and eternity in an hour.